Gossip always hurts someone, and most
of the time it’s the one doing the talking. ~Unknown
Gossip. When we hear the word, our natural tendency is to
immediately lean in and perk up. We don’t want to be the focus of it, but we
certainly don’t mind being privy to a juicy bit of good gossip either.
But why? Why do people take such pleasure in passing on
personal information about another person? And what’s the cost of being the
bearer of sordid news? Is there a way to nip a gossip in their proverbial bud,
so that you or those you care for don’t become their next headline?
Gossip, in its most popular definition, consists of passing
along information that is private in nature, typically founded on falsehoods, and
sprinkled with a dash of judgment just for good measure. A gossip is that
person who seeks out these golden nuggets of shame, and drops them mercilessly into
any ear available.
It is interesting to note that both men and women are guilty
of gossip equally, but what they gossip about differs greatly, and has much to
do with topics related to evolutionary standing. Thus men gossip about another
fellow’s successes or failures.
“Bob got a promotion and a new car.”
“Biff failed to slay the dinosaur and bring home dinner.”
Women, on the other hand, whose safety and survival relied
on remaining in high esteem with the group, gossip about moral character and
current social alignments.
“Betty doesn’t keep a clean house.”
“Janna wasn’t invited to Reba’s cave-drawing club.“
Why We Gossip:
The bad news is there actually are several personal and immediate
benefits from participating in the “telephone” game. (Unfortunately, yes,
this is true.)
Kicks:
First, the fact is that it feels good to gossip. We know
that gossiping is wrong, and that’s exactly why we engage. We are being naughty
and misbehaving, and that thrill of wrongdoing offers a fun physical sensation.
Gossip is also a great diversion from the mundane; nothing
revs a stalled conversation like some good old fashion mudslinging. If you’ve
run out of things to talk about, then simply lob up a salacious “You didn’t
hear it from me, but …” to grab the attention of even the most pious among us.
Bonding:
When you share something negative about someone else it
isn’t a very nice thing to do, and thus in order to commit the transgression,
you have to trust that the person you are gossiping with won’t squeal on you.
Likewise, the receiver of gossip understands the risk involved, and therefore
is pleased that the gossiper “trusts” them enough to share. The two culprits
actually bond over their mutual involvement in the act of betrayal.
If you want to pull Laura into your good graces, tell her “Sally
is now dating Brenda’s old boyfriend.” Cement your friendship by assuring her “nobody
else knows” and that Sally would “be mortified” if she found out you’d shared.
Reassurance:
When we suggest that perhaps “Jenny wears her make-up too thick
and her skirts too tight,” what we are really doing is asking, “How do I look?
Am I pretty/sexy/desirable enough?” Gossip gives us direction as to what is
appropriate in our particular community, and it validates our adherence to and
our position within those group norms.
If the answer is, “No, I think Jenny looks great!” then we
know that we need to up our own game and perhaps re-apply our lipstick.
Conversely, if the answer is, “Agreed! Jenny makes sausage casings look flowy,”
well then (sadly) you’ve just been validated as to your ability to dress appropriately.
Bravo!
Warning:
Gossip also serves to pass along information that could be
vital to a community’s existence.
“The company accountant just bought a new Mercedes.”
“Bruno got sick after eating the purple fruit.”
When these messages enters the company or community
grapevine it is indeed important—and those who receive the information can take
steps to react to the news. They can start looking for a new job, they can
quickly purchase more company stock, or—at a minimum, they can be sure to
discard all purple fruit from their lunch bag.
At it’s very best, gossip
helps to keep a community safe and aware of on-goings within said
community. And those who deliver these necessary tidbits are provided a higher
status in the community for their help in delivering the important
information.
The High Cost of
Gossip
Although gossiping does offer some real and immediate perks,
there are absolutely more severe, long-term consequences that will outlast the
temporary buzz that gossip provides. And it definitely isn’t a strategy to use
when attempting to make
new friends.
People Don’t Trust You
While you and Laura might have bonded over your shared
secret about Sally, this camaraderie is fleeting, and weighed heavily with the
knowledge that at any moment Laura’s own hemline could make its own appearance
on your grapevine.
Laura may have appreciated you sharing with her, but she is
well aware that she isn’t immune from your daily announcements either. She’ll
enjoy a journey to the water cooler with you, but she’ll be sure never to turn
her back on you either.
People Don’t Like You
Research found that while gossips actually had larger
social networks than average, the participants in those networks didn’t
actually have positive feelings for the gossip. In fact, they rated the gossip
fairly low on the likeability scale.
If you self-identify as a gossip, then be aware that while
you might know a lot of people, you actually know a lot of people who don’t
hold high opinions of you.
While Paula may seek you out for some information about a
co-worker, and she may even smile and join you for drinks after work
occasionally, you aren’t someone she considers a friend (or even a candidate
for friendship). She keeps you close because there is potential that you may
offer her valuable information. Fail to provide and your friendship will too.
People See through You
Gossip does offer a form of reassurance through its window
of what a group deems acceptable or not. However, more telling is what your
comments say about you. Gossip about someone’s dating style, and others quickly
realize that you aren’t too thrilled with your own dating record. Snark about
another’s credit rating, and folks are quickly wise to your own money woes.
Concentrating on the perceived faults of others that are
very similar to our own faults actually makes a bit of sense. These are issues
that concern us, and we need information about these subjects. One way to get
information without exposing ourselves is to pin the issue on someone else and
see how others react.
“Jane has a credit rating of 500, that’s bad, right?”
“Melinda hasn’t had a date in two years. Something is wrong
with her, don’t you think?”
Be forewarned you glass-house-dwellers, your best move is to
just put the rock down lest you be exposed.
What Can We Do About
Gossip
While I listed several benefits to gossiping, ultimately I
think I’ve shown that gossip really only provides harm. It truly isn’t
something that we want to engage in, and although it can be a tough habit to
break, there are methods to stop gossip.
Stop Gossiping:
The surest way to stop gossip is to
stop participating in gossip. It is that simple. I’d written the majority of
this post, then found this terrific video by Gretchen Rubin, author of The
Happiness Project. She challenged herself to stop gossiping
and found that when she did, she not only was happier, but also felt less
judged.
It really is that simple, just stop
gossiping, and ask others to do so as well.
Change Direction:
No I don’t mean to turn around and head
in the other direction (which now that I think of it, could be effective as
well), I mean to change the course of the conversation. At the first sign of
negative talk, simply change subjects. We’ve all so much interesting happening
in our worlds, coming up with something truly interesting to talk about
shouldn’t be a problem.
Talk about Yourself:
Usually the topic of gossip is
something that you can relate to yourself. So when someone says, “Golly, Brenda
is boring,” our response can be, “I know that I sometimes struggle with things
to say myself.” Amazingly, the conversation turns to something much more
productive, like how to make small talk, or how to politely exit a dull
conversation.
Gossip really does say more about you
than the subject of your remarks, so unless you like people seeing you as
uninteresting, unkind, and untrustworthy, perhaps it is best to simply refrain.
Try it for a day, a week, and then a
month and let us know how it goes, and more importantly, how you feel.
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