How to Lose a Friend in 10 Days

By Janis Kupferer

how to lose a friend
Want to lose a friend quickly? Then become closed-lipped, un-supportive, un-interested, and hard to find. Opposite behaviors will win you a great circle of loving friends.

Remember the popular movie starting (ahem - Academy awarding-winning!) Mathew McConaughey and Kate Hudson, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? Well, here is my advice for great ways to kill off a friendship licked-split. Do these things, and you are sure to shrink your calling circle in no time flat. Do the opposite, and you are sure to boast a season full of great invitations and fun times with women whom you truly love and enjoy.

Don’t Share:
One of the greatest things about friendship is the sharing that takes place between women. Women share to learn about new interests and ideas, they share to get help and advice with their challenges, and they share because they are truly excited about some wonderful development in their life. And it is through this sharing that we learn about our friends, develop a history, and form the intimacy that enhances our lives in oh so many wonderful ways.

But don’t share, don’t allow intimacy, become closed-lipped and you soon find that your friends follow suit.

Building a rapport or becoming intimately connected with a friend requires disclosure, and disclosure in equal measure. If one friend openly discusses her life worries and doesn’t get a similar response, she’ll start to think that you not only don’t trust her, but that you also don’t respect her enough to seek her counsel and ear.

Friends share because they care, are interested, trust and respect each other.

Be Un-Supportive:
The definition of support is to bear weight, hold up, or to give assistance, and most would agree that this definition could also be assigned to the word friend.

Whether it is with a household move, while trying to lose weight, when seeking a new job, or mending a broken heart, we look to our friends to help us, to help us bear our weights, and to give us any and all reasonable assistance they can.

Friends are whom you call on when you need help, so if a friend calls on you and you don’t respond, and make it a habit of not responding, pretty soon she’ll stop calling on you. And stop considering you a friend.

Change Your Values and Interests:
Aristotle taught us, among other things, that one of the key components of friendship is a mutual sharing of interests and values.

You like wind surfing? Great, I do too. So, you are now in the running for becoming a friend. Do you also believe in the Golden Rule and that one should care for small children, animals and older folks? If so, you and I are probably going to be friends.

Nine times out of 10 we meet people due to our interests. We make them friends because we share the same values.

For example, we work in a particular industry because we find it fascinating, and thus we find a large pool of potential “friendship” candidates at the office, a place where folks interested in a particular industry gather. When we discover that a co-worker also is passionate about literacy, is generally upbeat and happy, and holds similar political or social beliefs, well then a friendship is sure to blossom.

But when no interests are shared, nor basic values, then there isn’t much from which a friendship can grow, so it won’t.

Don’t Be Available:
Although most friendships don’t require a large amount of time, friendships do require some time—mostly in the form of frequency and consistency. In order to foster and maintain a friendship, two parties have to spend time together, frequently and consistently. It doesn’t have to be face-to-face (many a great friendship exists as pen-pals), but you do have to give of your time.

See “time” is where you share with each other. “Time” is where you support each other. “Time” is where you enjoy your mutual interests and influence values. If you don’t have time for a friend, than you simply don’t have a friend.


Of course I was being quip when I suggested that these are the steps to take if you’d like to lose a friend. Instead, I hope you understand that when you do engage in these behaviors (and these behaviors do come about because of busy schedules, changed priorities, and otherwise), that a potential outcome can be the deterioration of a wanted and cherished friendship.

So show-up, be supportive, engage and share, and enjoy some really terrific friendships. And if you are looking to make some new friends, well then join us on—it makes the process of finding and forming new friendship quick and easy.

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